The Other Side Of Love
by AAmuse
Summary: Saavik gives Spock a lesson he had never learned. Spock wishes she didn’t.


**Disclaimer**: Star Trek characters belong to Paramount.

**Author's note**: A sequel to _Those Who Will Not See _and _Too Long a Time_. Post-TOS. Set between TNG episodes _The Encounter at Farpoint_ and _Sarek_, closer to the former.

**Warning: **Graphic het

**Beta**: SLWatson

**Codes/Rating**: S/Saa. Hints of K/S. **R** for graphic adult scenes.

**Summary**: Saavik gives Spock a lesson he had never learned. Spock wishes she didn't.

--

**The Other Side of Love**

By

Anna Amuse

--

The house felt different.

It shouldn't have been a surprise. It had been years since Saavik had been here last, but somehow she was certain that the mere passage of time was not responsible for the change. It was quiet here. Not that it had ever been a house of the rising sun, of course, but this was a different kind of quiet. It was almost palpable and emotionally charged at that. It was strange, considering that its only remaining occupant had rarely had an emotional outburst.

She looked at the staircase leading to the second floor. It looked like no one had used it in years. Some might have said it was logical. Why bother when there was a perfectly comfortable bedroom right here, on the ground floor. Saavik knew better. It was merely a guest room. The significance of preferring it to the room where he had lived for more than forty years wasn't inspiring.

"Hello, Spock."

He looked up at her from the desk he was working at. He didn't seem surprised or glad to see her. With a strange, unsettling sensation, she noted the changes in his appearance, telling her he was tired and beat. No, that wouldn't be quite correct. Those deep lines and sharp angles told her he had been tired and beat for a long time. And that he had been alone.

"Saavik."

He stood up slowly, as if preserving power. He looked utterly uninterested in her sudden visit.

"May I come in?" she raised an eyebrow.

He regarded her impassively, and she suddenly felt nervous and even self-conscious to a point, the way she hadn't been in years.

"You seem to have already answered that question," he said, but gestured for her to come inside anyway.

"How have you been, Spock?"

It was his turn to lift an eyebrow.

"I believe you are aware of my state of affairs."

She bit her lip before checking herself.

"It is agreeable to see you again," she tried a different tack.

His mouth twitched in a sarcastic grimace.

"Then it is a pleasure you have undoubtedly denied yourself due to some sort of penance."

She blushed.

"I do not recall you inviting me to visit you. You have been on Earth for two months, yet you did not contact me. In fact, you went out of your way to avoid me."

"I was not aware you required a special invitation to visit an old friend. And if I gave the appearance of avoiding you, it was because I did not want to impose on your time."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, feeling anger stirring deep within her.

"Only that in the last seven years our paths had only crossed twice, Saavik. You did not seem particularly eager to meet with me."

Her temper flared. How dared he...?

"What did you expect? That I would follow you around like T'Aine? Where is she, Spock, by the way?"

His face darkened.

"She and I had severed our partnership. There were a number of issues on which we seemed to be unable to reach an agreement."

"Oh, really? Do you mean to say that she had finally had enough?"

His eyes flashed.

"I will not have you speak to me in this manner. My affairs are not your concern."

"But mine are yours?" She was aware of raising her voice, but she had been storing her indignation for far too long to try and tame it now.

"I do not know what you mean."

"You interfered with the Fallina Project. You told Ambassador Tani he should not agree to participate in Deranga conference. You intercepted Commissioner Marco's dossier."

He appeared unimpressed.

"You have no proof to support your hypotheses."

"I do not need any proof, Spock," she looked up at him furiously. "Only you would make it a point to ruin everything I had been working for. What I want to know is why."

He frowned, not making an attempt to back off from her or deny the truth of her accusations.

"Those were unwise enterprises to undertake. They would have been damaging to you."

"What?" She gave him a most un-Vulcan glare. "How dare you interfere with my life? I make my own choices!"

"I was merely looking out for your safety."

"What makes you think you have the right to do that?"

"And what makes you think I will stand idly by and watch your attempts at self-destructive behavior?"

"What concern is that of yours?" she was nearly shouting now, trembling with rage. "Why would you do that?"

"I..." For the first time, he seemed at a loss for words. Having no explanation to offer, he launched an attack. "Why would you defy me? Why would you be trying to provoke me, deliberately taking actions to which you know I would object? You could have found numerous ways of occupying your time and energy, but you continuously chose ill-conceived projects that were bound to cross my field of vision. Why, Saavik? What are you trying to prove?"

"Let go of me," she hissed, noting his startled look with satisfaction. He wasn't aware he grabbed her wrist.

"My apologies," he muttered, taking a step back.

She watched him, like a hunter that had finally cornered her prey.

"Why is it so difficult for you to admit to your feelings?" she asked with cunning gentleness.

Spock winced, glancing at her briefly before averting his eyes.

"I do not know to what you are referring."

"Why else would you be watching my activities?"

"You made it very difficult to miss them."

"That's not explanation enough. You are emotionally motivated, Spock. Is your fear of admitting it so great that you would not fight it?"

He looked up at her sharply.

"I do not experience fear. You flatter yourself if you believe my interest in your affairs is personal. It might not be prudent of me to remind you, but you left me no choice. I am the playmaker in this field, Saavik. You are but a pawn on my board. I would not have anyone disrupt my efforts in a childish feat to prove her worth."

She flinched as if he slapped her.

"Then I suppose you would not object to that pawn changing her allegiance," she said, trying hard to stop her lips from trembling.

Spock rounded on her menacingly.

"You are not to join Daman."

"I will join whomever I please."

"His interest in you is inappropriate."

She tilted her chin up stubbornly.

"If by that you mean that he wants me, you are correct. It has been refreshing to be in his company. He does not lie about his feelings, and I prefer it that way."

"Is that the highest point by which you rate a man? His inability to control his physical urges?"

"You are trying to make it sound distasteful because you are not prone to such urges yourself, because you never were! If you are such a coward that you would not leave your comfortable shell to reach out and take what you want and pay the price for it, then you are not the man I thought you were, and I want nothing further to do with you."

She turned around and marched away, heading directly for the front door and not looking back. She wasn't running nor was she stalling. Her gait was as methodically precise and well balanced as ever, and that was what had finally gotten to him. This time, she would not be coming back. This time, she would not forgive. This time would be forever.

Once he had died and had returned from the dead. He would not be able to do that again. Once he had stood and watched a part of himself walking out of his life into that forever. Something broke within him with a snap that left him dazed. He could not bring himself to bear it twice. He didn't even want to try.

He caught her just as her hand closed on the old-fashioned doorknob. She tried to push him away, but didn't succeed. He grabbed her, far more roughly than his conscious mind would have thought possible. But as it had refused to share quarters with the part of him that was an unabashed barbarian, it had no say in the matter.

She put up a fight. She wasn't at all willing to go quietly, but her resistance served no other purpose than to draw more rise out of him. She shouted something in Vulcan, a cry of indignation and protest. He had no rights, but those his greater strength had granted. He took them, with no regard to civility.

Catching her wrists, holding them behind her back with one hand, he pulled her into a savage kiss, screaming of dominance first, and only second of passion. She struggled, enraged, and he slammed her into the wall, hard enough to make her momentarily lose her bearings. Awareness returned with the sound of fabric being torn apart with abrupt harshness that would have scared a lesser person. She sneered, bringing her hands into play, tugging at his clothes impatiently, not surrendering, but accepting the challenge. He swept her hands away with little tolerance and picked her up into his arms, carrying her back into the room, which she had little choice but to allow.

He was way beyond conscious now. There was no point in pleading or threatening or even calling his name. It was overwhelming, _he_ was overwhelming, and she couldn't in all honesty continue to fight that what she desired so much. In a way, this was reminiscent of what had happened on the Genesis planet, raw passion and little thought. But this time was different. He was _here_ this time. He was really with her, not just some shadow of him that would evaporate like morning dew. He was here, he was present, and if he couldn't think, that was because he had completely and totally let go. That in itself was arousing beyond comparison with anything in her experience. She was now fighting not against him, but with him for the shortest way to ultimate oblivion.

He didn't need her help. It was an act of possession, that first time, rough even for her resilient nature, but that was the way she wanted it. He couldn't stop even if she asked him to, which she didn't, and it _hurt_, and it was good. She found herself reveling in pain, hers—physical, his—emotional, and she was desperate for more of him, urging him to go faster, pulling him closer, taking more and more and wishing she could take it all. She pulled stronger, squeezed tighter, and it was over, all too soon and yet as if in another lifetime from where they started. He fell, and she caught him. She rolled them over, refusing to release her hold on him.

His head rolled back, eyes shut, he was breathing heavily. Sweat glistened on their bodies, stilling in the cool air, making her cling to him for warmth. She pressed her lips lightly to his chest, placing her palm over his heart and listening. She had never felt more at home. She savored the feeling, knowing its days were numbered. Days... Seconds was more like it. Stolen seconds. Did they make life worth living?

She lifted her head and found him watching her. He was obviously back, his expression fully coherent, yet enigmatic. She tensed involuntarily. She didn't think she could bear to hear an apology right this moment. But he didn't apologize. He did not regret it and would not take it back. She couldn't help smiling in relief. Something flashed in his eyes at the sight of her, something very much like sadness. He moved before she could ask, sitting up slowly, hands sliding up her waist, supporting her. She placed her hands on his shoulders, leaned in closer and kissed him. The contact was tender, almost chaste, but it was what they both needed.

There should have been awkwardness in their movements, as they relocated from the old carpet on the floor where they ended up to the luxurious comfort of the bed. There should have been awkwardness, but there wasn't. Nor were there any words spoken or needed.

Now that they both had their names back, Spock was as gentle as he had been rough, as considerate as he had been rude. Excruciating tenderness replaced brutal force. Being worshiped had a very different quality when the other person had really meant it. Saavik had found herself being venerated, like a goddess in her own shrine. She felt timeless and adored, giving grace and receiving it. But during brief periods when she drifted back into consciousness, she felt sadness in every touch and mourned silently the non-compromising aggression that had left never to return.

She woke up in the semi-darkness an hour shy of dawn. She knew it was over before she opened her eyes, and discovering she was alone didn't surprise her. She could sense Spock was still there, somewhere in the house, but no longer with her. She slid quietly from under the covers and looked around for her shirt. It was torn and quite unpresentable now, but it would serve for several short minutes. She wrapped herself in it and went in search for Spock.

She found him on the balcony watching the mildly glowing sky. He was wearing soft black pants and a sweater, and his hair was slightly damp. She remembered his illogical preference for water showers and shrugged. Sensing her presence, Spock turned around, took in the sight of her and smiled softly, shaking his head.

"I seem to owe you a new set of clothes," he said, extending his hand.

She took it and allowed him to pull her close, welcoming his warmth. The morning air was chilly. Saavik turned, resting her back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her.

"You do not owe me anything," she spoke quietly, leaning into him. "I hunted you down and I finally caught you. I'm not about to complain."

"If your single purpose was to seduce me, you could have succeeded using less formidable weapons."

"Daman was below the belt?"

"Indeed."

"I suppose I was thinking of desperate times and desperate measures. I half believed you would never admit it. And I needed you to. Will you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive. You did deliver several well-deserved points."

"I have also been deliberately provoking you ever since I realized how I felt. That is not the Vulcan way."

Spock didn't say anything, only tightened his hold slightly, as they both watched the sky attain more gold.

"This cannot happen again," he said softly.

"I know."

For a short while, they floated in comfortable silence. Spock lifted one hand off her waist to catch a lock of hair between his fingers.

"Saavik, all these years you... Why?"

She shrugged lightly.

"Have you ever asked him this question?"

"No," Spock admitted slowly. Then added, pensively, "He asked me."

"Then, you must already know the answer."

He shifted a bit uncomfortably.

"It is different... Being on the receiving end."

A smile tugged at her lips, and she shook her head slightly.

"Maybe that was the problem. You never knew how to take, Spock. You always gave. But there is only so much anyone can receive without reciprocating. And when he tried to give you something, you always refused. You could not accept even a small thing, yet you insisted on giving. How do you think it made him feel?"

Spock took a moment, considering.

"It hurt him. I could never understand it when he said I did not trust him."

She shrugged softly again.

"In a certain way, you did not. To take means to allow the other to take control; to allow him to make you happy; to allow him the pleasure of giving."

"He had given up too much for my sake. I could not allow—"

"He wanted to, Spock. He wanted to give and you wouldn't let him. You offered him everything and accepted nothing. As if he had nothing that you would want."

"Not true. In fact, very far from being true."

"Perhaps. But Vulcans have a certain... difficulty revealing the full truth even to our most cherished ones. Wouldn't you agree?"

Spock sighed. "Now you are starting to sound like Doctor McCoy."

"Your teacher in humanity?" Saavik raised her eyebrows. "I doubt that was a lesson he could have taught you, Spock. Have you ever asked yourself why it was you alone who was at his side when he passed? Leonard McCoy never learned how to take, either."

"Jim tried to teach me..." Spock whispered.

"But it took you a long time to learn, Spock. More time than he had."

Spock buried his face in her hair, his forehead resting on her shoulder.

"There is a human expression," he said, his voice coming muffled and very low. "Better later than never. I find that I do not concur. I find that never would be preferable to too late."

"You do not sound very logical."

"No," he sighed, looking up again. "I do not."

He tugged her even closer, as if wishing her to merge with him.

"What about you, Saavik? Do you know how to take?"

Her lips twitched lightly.

"You were a very good teacher, Spock. All that I am, I have learned from you."

"Then perhaps it is indeed time for us to part ways. You are the light of my life, Saavik-kam. I want you to achieve happiness."

She bit down the first answer that came to her. She drew blood from her tongue to smother the second. Only the third sounded acceptable, and she voiced it, feeling herself in front of the examination board all over again.

"Captain Reva would be pleased to take me with him on his expedition to the Beta quadrant. It is supposed to last at least ten years. I am certain the new impressions will be most welcome for me."

"Back to Starfleet, Saavik?"

"It does seem unavoidable."

"You will not object to my inquiry into Captain Reva's accomplishments prior to your signing up for this mission?"

She couldn't help a smile.

"Jealous, Spock?"

He sighed.

"Saavik, if I had learned anything over the years, it is that there is no correct answer to that question. If I admit to experiencing that emotion, you will undoubtedly chide me. Yet if I say I am not jealous, you will assume I do not care for you enough. What would you have me say?"

"Do you care, Spock?"

"I do. I care so much for you that I would not permit you to leave me, if I was not convinced it is necessary for your well-being."

"I cannot persuade you to be a little selfish?"

"You do indeed sound like Doctor McCoy. I was not aware the two of you had spent so much time together."

"And now you are not feeling jealous again."

"Indeed."

She turned within his arms and looked up at him.

"You defined my life, Spock. No matter where I go, I cannot reach a place where you will not be also."

He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

"I wish you well, Saavik." He kissed the top of her head gently. "And I will miss you. Do not forget the lesson you have taught me today."

She reached up and took his face in her hands.

"I will not." She pressed her lips against his lightly. "Goodbye, Spock."

She pulled away, and he let go. He watched her walk inside, then descended the old crumbling staircase and proceeded on an intentionally prolonged tour of the garden.

When he returned to the house, she was gone.

--


End file.
